Your spouse's in-laws play an important role in his or her life. As a result, they become an important part of your life as well. No one ever said that balancing your needs with the needs of others — particularly the demands of a whole new family — was a simple feat to do. However, it is feasible to achieve family peace – and the work is well worth the effort.
You recognize that it will be difficult to construct bridges — or to repair those that have already been destroyed — but you also recognize that it is an important way to spend your time. The return on your investment will endure the remainder of your married life because of the compounding effect. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
1. Collaborate with your partner
This is the most important rule, rule number one, and the whole enchilada. As my great-husband pointed out to me the other night, the key to dealing successfully with in-laws is to first resolve issues with your spouse. Keep in mind that you're all in this together.
Never place your spouse in a position where he or she must choose between you and a family member or close friend. Your spouse will be placed in a virtually difficult situation as a result of your actions. Instead, make an effort to comprehend the emotional connection your spouse has with his or her grandparents, parents, or siblings. If at all feasible, attempt to keep that connection going. They are his or her parents, regardless of whether or not your spouse has parents from hell.
2. Define your boundaries and limitations
Are there no sweets before the kids' mealtime? Are there no loans for in-laws? Decide on what is essential and what is not with your partner.
For example, we let our children eat anything they want whenever they want. Ten minutes before supper, would you want some ice cream? That's OK with me...as long as you eat a decent evening meal. However, when it comes to schoolwork, we are very fussy. I don't believe it has occurred to my children that there is a grade lower than an "A."
Establish your family values while working as a team. Once you've done that, you should express your values to your in-laws. All of your own beliefs, as well as all of your in-laws
When it comes to setting limits, don't make promises you won't be able to fulfill. Do you remember Neville Chamberlain, Adolf Hitler, and the Soviet Union? As part of the British appeasement strategy, British politician Neville Chamberlain handed Poland to Hitler to achieve "peace in our time." Do you recall how wonderfully it worked? Hitler simply continued snatching up pieces of Europe after chunk of Europe. If your in-laws are dictators, just putting people in place to maintain the peace seldom fixes the issue.
3. Maintain and enforce the established boundaries and limitations
Stick to your guns without being as rigid as a teenager might be tempted to be. You may inform your in-laws, for example, that you prefer they phone beforehand before showing up at your home if you don't like drop-in companies. You shouldn't answer the door the next time they simply chance to drop by if they have ignored you. It doesn't matter whether they have lemon meringue pie.
Are your in-laws a source of contention in your marriage? Keep an eye out for the following warning flags in the video.
4. Communicate in a straightforward manner
Always try to avoid communicating with a third party if at all feasible. It is not appropriate to request that your husband speak with his sister about anything she did that caused you distress.
If there is anything that concerns you, take care of it as quickly as feasible. There may be a real issue, but it is also possible that there is a misunderstanding.
Tori married into a family whose members were all born in Germany, which was a great honor for her. The door to the kitchen was always locked by a member of the family, leaving Tori out in the cold every time they entered. She had been stewing over the issue for years. She finally had the guts to inquire as to why her mother-in-law had shut the kitchen door behind her.
"It's to stay cool in the heat," she said further. "It was always the way we did things in Germany." Tori had absolutely nothing to do with shutting the kitchen door. The result of a cultural misunderstanding had caused her years of misery, which neither her in-laws nor she was aware of at the time.
5. Get to Know Yourself
You may take Shakespeare's counsel from a thousand years ago, and it is still valid today: don't attempt to change yourself into the person your in-laws want you to be. If they're searching for tiny Susie Homemaker and you're a high-powered corporate attorney, what happens if you're called in to help? If you want to bake Swedish rye bread and make your butter on your day off, you are under no duty to do so. Instead of going out to eat, get a manicure and get some takeout.
6. Adhere to the established procedures
There aren't many fathers-in-law who want to snake out your kitchen sink, and there aren't many mothers-in-law who want to bake cookies with their grandkids. Put aside your preconceived notions and adapt your style of thinking to the realities of the circumstance. Don't put your faith in individuals who can't provide.
7. Recognize when you need to take a break
I tend to go where angels are afraid to go. It's always done in the first position. My spouse, on the other hand, is much more levelheaded. Many times, doing nothing is the best course of action. Many wounds are healed by time — and many heels are wounded by time.
While we're at it, let's be courteous. Keep the insults and character assassinations away from your in-laws. For example, Jack's father-in-law once referred to his son as a "knee-jerk liberal," which was offensive to Jack. When Jack saw him, he remarked, "I had it on the tip of my tongue to call him a "bloody fascist." "Fortunately, I kept my tongue in my cheek despite the fact that he is a fascist."
8. Act in a mature manner
It's written in the contract that your parents must adore you. Your in-laws, on the other hand, do not. Accept the reality that your in-laws are not your parents and will not operate under the same set of guidelines. Try to think in terms of "different" rather than "better" or "worse." To make this work, you must be willing to concede on little matters while negotiating on the more important ones.
Recognize and understand the issue from your mother-in-point laws of view. Even if you don't agree, you should maturely conduct yourself. Pork, for example, is something I despise. I don't eat it, and I don't prepare it very often. Despite this, for many years, when we visited my mother-in-law law's for supper, she would prepare a pig roast.
Having gorged me on more pork than the United States Congress can create, I realized she was attempting to appease her poor, pork-deficient kid. It was a big thing for me to learn to eat a salad before we ate at her home. Babe, the poor porker, was the only one who had to suffer as a result of my husband's peaceable porking.
9. Be Kind
Make an effort to say something kind, even if it means gritting your teeth. And if you're truly stuck for anything pleasant to say, just shut up and grin.
10. Maintain your sense of humor
The following is a tale told by a close friend: "When I was expecting my first kid, my father-in-law surprised me with an unexpected gift: a burial plot on his property. 'Can you tell me why you want a funeral plot?' I inquired. The doctor said, "you may not make it through the delivery, so I felt you should be prepared." My first instinct was to smack the old codger upside his head; my buddy, on the other hand, smiled and praised him for his thoughtfulness.
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